The Old Farmer
An old farmer had a pond in the back forty of his large farm. Several years earlier he had fixed up the area with nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was also very nice for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over since he hadn't been down there for a while. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he approached he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. When the National Anthem began, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" The patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, the doctor yelled, "Down nuts!" so the patients all sat back down in their seats.
During the game, one of the players hit a home run. The doctor yelled, "Cheer nuts!" so the patients all broke out into applause and cheers.
Considering things were going very well, the doctor decided to leave his patients momentarily and get some munchies and a beer.
When the returned to his seat, there was a riot in progress. "What happened?" he asked a fellow patron sitting next to his group.
 The fellow replies, "Well... everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled "Peanuts! Peanuts! Peanuts!"

The minister arose to address his congregation. "There is a certain man among us today who is flirting with another man's wife. Unless he puts ten dollars in the collection box, his name will be read from the pulpit."
When the collection plate came in, there were 19 ten dollar bills, and a five dollar bill with this note attached: "Other five on payday."

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was just 23 years old. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him since his young bride was a healthy, vivacious woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, dear? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Geez, he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live”
Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it.
She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years?" 
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT SHE......
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."

and More SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT SHE......
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."
14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.
The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but I was thrown off.  Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse just wouldn't stop or slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager saved the day and unplugged the ride.
Thank God for heroes